I can't move around very well - my neck, shoulder, ankle and knee really hurt - and my brain is a little shaken about. Concentration, focus, organizational ability all seem to be sputtering for me right now. I honestly don't feel like having a birthday this year even though I'm just glad to be alive. In case you haven't heard the news yet, I had myself a little auto accident last Saturday. OK, actually, it was a very serious accident. I was probably close to moving to that cozy cabin along the coastline of Heaven's ocean.
This will be a difficult post for me to write so please bear with me. Over the past week I've had some very intense 'waking' flashbacks, one of which was so intense that it actually woke me abruptly from a deep sleep and caused me to sit bolt upright in bed the other night, sweating and breathing hard. I've never experienced anything like it. Emotionally, it's a struggle to force myself to relive the experience but I feel like I need to do it to get this stuff out of my head, to document it, to purge it, to share it. Not only for my benefit later, but perhaps others' as well who can benefit from reading about it. Here's the story as a play-by-play of sorts...
At about 6:30am last Saturday morning (Feb 2nd), as I was driving from Portland to Bend on Hwy 26, I was involved in a head-on auto accident just east of Sandy, OR. Oddly, I can clearly remember all of it in exquisite detail even though I can't seem to remember much from this past week -- one of the many emergency room docs told me that I'd probably have some short-term amnesia related to a severe concussion and possible mild traumatic brain injury. Seems like that's happening to me. Hmmm, not so good. OK, so here's the story as I've written it in my notes over the past week...
I had a fun-filled weekend planned with friends, powder snow and some general merriment at McMenamins Old St Francis School. I was going to see Matt Garcia, Marc Prighozy and Krissy Moehl. Matt and I were expecting to ski Mt Bachelor at least one day. Also, I had a scheduled appointment to meet with John Snippen, the realtor in Bend who was going to be showing me homes. That was half the reason I was going to Bend.
The weather that morning wasn't too bad. It was lightly snowing and about 28F with some fresh snow on the ground. It was drivable in 4 wheel drive as long as you were going at an appropriate speed for the road conditions. I was about 3 miles East of Sandy headed east bound in the far right lane (it's a 4 lane undivided highway) when all of a sudden a large dark-colored Toyota pick-up truck came sliding across all the lanes of traffic and hit me head on. What the auto industry dryly refers to as a frontal offset crash. Almost a textbook reenactment of the IIHS crash tests (see sample video here). It all happened within a split second. Kind of like the climactic Saudi desert ambush scene in the movie The Kingdom where all hell breaks lose and time slows down amidst the chaos of the car crash.
I estimate that I took the brunt of the impact with a combined speed of 80mph. Time did seem to slow to a crawl as I helplessly watched it happen, a thousand fleeting thoughts whirring along through my mind while my eyes visually registered the impending collision. My reaction speed was fast but I had barely just enough time to shift my foot from the gas to the brake pedal to begin to slow myself a little. That's when I realized that there was just no way his trajectory intersecting mine was to be avoided. The physics of the situation were too determined. It was an explosive, thunderous meeting of metal; a foregone conclusion of energy and mass equaling force; a resounding concussive exclamation point. Cruunnchhh-BANG! And dang, it was so unbelievably loud. I mean really, really LOUD...then supremely quiet...
The remains of my 2002 Ford Escape.Suddenly, all four airbags fired as my head whipped forward through the airbag and struck the steering wheel then rocketed back and slammed into the head rest and side window. Ouch. Wow - airbags fire really fast! My head made another pass through the same arcing motion, finally coming to rest on the head rest. Then I tentatively opened my eyes. My olfactory senses were being overwhelmed with the combined smell of pungent airbag propellant dust, leaking oil, hot engine odors, mangled metal and something very metallic that I still can't place. As my SUV filled with a hazy noxious smoke I had a strong instinct to flee, to get away. But I couldn't really move. My seatbelt tensioner had me pinned in the seat...then it let go. Not only was my door jammed shut but my head was spinning in obtuse orbits. I couldn't focus my eyes and my ears were ringing like a gun had been fired next to my head. My ears were buzzing.
I had to use my left leg to force open the door (my right leg was really hurting for some reason). Opening the door managed to help to clear the smoke and let me suck in some clean fresh air. The jolt of cold air combined with the immense power of the impact and the realization of what had just happened seemed to momentarily snap me to my senses. I realized that I had just been in a car crash and that I was still alive! But how badly was I hurt? Time for a personal systems check...shoulder, head, back, knee, ankle...all in pain. Nothing appeared to be puncturing my skin, jutting from my body at an odd angle or ripped open. No taste of blood either. Then I began to reel like I had been hit by Muhammad Ali's famous 'right hand lead'. I was starting to feel really nauseous and shakey.
I partially leaned out the door. The guy who plowed into me was already standing outside of his truck inspecting the damage to his front end. Him: "are you alright?", Me: mumbling "no, not so good", Him: "should I call anyone for you?", Me: "yes, 911 please." Then I sat back in the driver's seat feeling really tired and my connection with consciousness was severed. Everything got really quiet, like I was in the eye of a storm. It was a weird feeling. Physically I felt like I was floating in the air being buffeted by strong winds while being firmly anchored to the ground all at the same time. Like I was attached to the end of a kite flying high in a storm. An odd duality.
I could hear voices around me, sirens approaching, honking horns, someone opening the rear door to my truck, but I couldn't resolve any of those sounds into coherent thoughts. What did it all mean? Yet, I could hear them (and remember them). It was strange but seemingly normal. I could 'see' things happening around me but through an opaque lens. It was as though I was trying to look through a piece of surgical gauze with Vaseline smeared across it. Lights, shadows, general forms but nothing more. At the same time, my mind's eye was focused on something else entirely. I was sitting in a movie theater watching a series of my own experiences and memories randomly and rapidly flash across a big screen in front of me. They were moving from right to left. I could see them but I couldn't interact with them. They weren't sequential either; random. I knew they were my memories but they didn't seem to hold real meaning to me for some reason. Really odd. Is this what you experience when 'your life flashes before your eyes'? Is there some significance to the right-to-left order of the images? None of it made any sense.
Slowly, a sensation of coldness and uncontrollable shaking began to creep into my unconscious awareness (odd word pairing, I know). Then, like in one of those reawakening scenes in the movie Flatliners, all of my senses - sight, sound, smell, touch and taste - came back simultaneously in a sudden onrush not unlike what you imagine you'd experience in a sensory deprivation tank where you are feeling and experiencing nothing (or is it not feeling and not experiencing?) then you instantaneously find yourself flushed through a tight small hole into the midst of the most unbelievably noisy and smelly and potent place you can imagine; like being dropped into the middle of a busy steel factory in the midst of production. Kersnap! Wooooooosh! At first nothing, then suddenly everything all at once. I could sense myself gulping for air and catching a quick breath. And then fairly normal breathing. Teeth chattering and goosebumps. I had a deep desire to stop shaking but I couldn't; I was very cold. There was a cold hand stabilizing the back of my neck. A female voice from behind said to me "you're having convulsions, probably from a concussion, you'll be alright so stay with me...what's your name?...do you know where you are?". Whoa!
It took me a few seconds to find my voice and utter the answers. She asked me a few more questions and then explained that she and the guy taking my pulse -- huh? I didn't even notice him holding my arm -- were both ski instructors who had been in the SUV following behind me and were on their way to work when they witnessed the accident. Luckily they stopped to help. It really meant a lot to have them there. I felt comforted knowing that they had some training in dealing with injuries and the art of triage. One of them told me that the ambulance was on its way and would be there soon. As soon as that was said, I felt a sense of relief and again dropped off into unconsciousness. Everything corporeal seemed to cease existing and a light airy feeling took hold. I was floating above myself and those around me, with hazy vision I was watching my situation, all the flares strewn about in the snow burning brightly in the early morning light, the Oregon State Patroller directing traffic, the folks in their SUVs slowly driving by gawking at my predicament. No sounds this time at all. It was all so surreal. My grasp on reality seemed to be pretty tenuous.
It was time to snap back to reality again, though this time it wasn't quite as sudden. More like a gradual reentry. I felt even colder now with teeth chattering. Still shaking with convulsions. Once I became aware that I was convulsing I was able to stop doing it. I was being asked more questions and this time I sluggishly answered them, not wanting to leave the peacefulness of the place I had been occupying. But I did. It seemed like the right thing to do. The soothing female voice told me to 'remain calm' and 'don't move your head'. Believe me, moving was the last thing I wanted to do at that moment. I felt like I was encased in quicksand. It would've taken a monumental effort to move. More energy than I had.
Faintly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the flashing lights of an ambulance were coming into view. Thank goodness. That meant I could get out of the truck into a better situation. I didn't hear the siren. Weird. The EMT who arrived was commanding in his tone, directing people to stabilize my neck while they struggled to slip the backboard between me and the seat. After a little effort I was slipped onto the backboard, head strapped down tight and then onto the gurney which obviously wasn't designed to be pushed through 4 inches of snow. It was a struggle to move all 150 lbs. of me and must've taken 4 people working in tandem to keep the darn thing moving in a straight line. I had a momentary vision of the gurney sliding out of control and me falling off onto the cold wet ground. Not a pleasant thought.
With a quick shove my gurney was thrust into the back of the ambulance. I felt like a heavy package being loaded on a UPS van. As the doors slammed shut, Jeff the EMT, locked down the gurney and told me that he was going to need to cut-off all of my clothes. Me: "Huh? What? Did I hear you right? Why? I just bought these clothes two days ago at REI! Brand new Patagonia and Mountain Hardwear ski gear. Are you sure? Really, you do?". "Sorry" was the only response he gave and then he just starting lopping it all off. I have no reason why this even mattered to me but it did.
Jeff asked if I was in any pain, but pain wasn't my priority; I didn't want to barf all over myself. I was feeling even more nauseous now. And so cold. Jeff got a pic line inserted into my right arm and began shoving an IV into me. He told me that it also contained an anti-nausea drug. Didn't really work for me though. I was strapped tight to the backboard and was facing the ceiling as the driver blasted along through the wet snow for the long drive back into Portland. I slipped in and out of things, kind of trying to relax but still feeling really cold. And I was starting to get carsick from being forced to watch the ceiling. "Can you unstrap my head so that I can move it around a little?" "Sorry", came the response, "just close your eyes and try to think of your favorite place." Easier said than done.
The ambulance took me to the OHSU Level 1 Trauma Unit in downtown Portland. There must be at least two hospitals located closer to the accident site but I guess they wanted to take me to a Level 1 Trauma unit in case I had severe internal injuries. I wasn't really paying attention at that point. I drifted off into a bad daydream and came back to reality as the ambulance pulled into the ER loading dock. It was still snowing and darker outside than I remember it. Crud, I was so cold. 'Why can't they heat me up?' I was quickly unloaded and whisked inside to a glass-doored ER unit with doctors and nurses and PAs all swirling about prodding me, asking me questions, poking me with things, palpating me in funny places (the word 'palpate' is funny for some reason), getting readings from the machines I was hooked to and generally assessing my condition. My grasp on reality was coming back now. I was starting to understand what was happening to me. There didn't appear to be any method to the madness but somehow it was all choreographed because every time someone entered the room they had a specific purpose and all their actions seemed to be coordinated in unseen some way, though I had no idea how. It was impressive to see them in action, especially since I was at the center of their attention. It was different than what you see on TV on shows like ER. It was more calm and organized. Then again, I wasn't torn open.
Two doctors performed an ultrasound of my guts to check my vital organs for damage: heart, lungs, liver, intestine, etc. The verdict: all good. You're not pregnant! Whew! They checked my bones for fractures and flexed my joints. I definitely had a problem with my left shoulder, right ankle and right knee. Then they started shoving more IVs into me to get me hydrated. The only problem was that I was still nauseous and it wasn't subsiding. I felt like I would barf at any minute. And I was hungry. And I was laying there essentially naked, freezing and covered in goose bumps. After complaining about being so cold the head nurse thankfully rounded up a bunch of warm blankets for me. Besides warming me up they also gave me back some dignity. More than anything, the blankets helped the most. The simplest of actions can have the most profound effect.
My head really hurt and so did my knee and shoulder. They weren't giving me any pain medication (thankfully) but they tried two different anti-nausea meds and then sent me off to the MRI machine for a scan of my head. They were concerned that I might have a serious closed head trauma (a 'bleeder' as they put it). After laying in that infernal, claustrophobic, deafeningly loud 'banging' machine for what seemed like over an hour I was ready to be back to the ER. Weird, I know. But if you've never had the distinct pleasure of experiencing the inside of an operating MRI machine then let me tell you that it's something best left off of your 'to do' list.
When I arrived back in the ER a nice little intern told me that she would contact my family for me. At some point my parents showed up. Having them there meant the world to me though I'm fairly certain that I took 5 years off of their lives. Knowing that my Mom would ask the tough questions (she works for the Oregon Board of Medical Examiners) was a comforting feeling. Both my Mom and Dad were obviously worried about me but hopefully my sad state of being wasn't too scary for them. As their only child it sometimes worries me how worried they can get. Someone brought me some much-needed food from the cafeteria. It wasn't good but it was edible and I inhaled it. I was eventually given an x-ray for my right knee and the result came back positive for a bone fracture and very possibly some soft tissue damage. I was prescribed Vicodin for my pain but thankfully I only needed to take one pill over the past week. I despise drugs.
All in all, I was in the hospital for about 10 hours. The lead nurse told me that I could stay overnight if I felt like I wanted to but there wasn't a medical need to do so and my immediate reaction was "no thanks, I want to leave". Feeling so tired and worn-out at that point, all I wanted was to sleep. I was discharged with a knee brace, two neck braces (which I completely needed to support my weak neck and wobbly head) and crutches because I couldn't put any pressure on my right knee. Since they had cut-off ALL of my clothes except my socks and shoes, I was basically without anything to wear outside. The super sweet (and cute) intern went to the lost-and-found and came back with a real winner of an outfit for me: size XS Oregon Duck green cotton turtleneck and size XL gray women's sweatpants. I looked like a Value Village reject. Pathetic with all the braces and crutches and whatnot. I wish someone would've taken a picture for posterity sake. I can only imagine what I looked like. These clothes are going to the Goodwill for the next unlucky person.
Saturday night my parents drove me to aunt Marilyn and uncle Bill Power's house in SE Portland to recuperate, because it just so happened that my parents were getting their hardwood floors refinished. They weren't even staying at their own house the fumes were so toxic and potent. The Power's were amazing hosts for the four days that I stayed there. Their hospitality was the stuff of legends. If you get injured, the Power's house is where you want to request your convalescence. Aunt Marilyn made me anything I wanted to eat and for those who know just how good of a cook and baker she is you know that I was in pig heaven for four days. Way better than any restaurant! If anything, I gained some weight while staying there. That's good, because I needed it. And Uncle Bill kept me in good spirits with his jokes and stories and upbeat personality. I feel so very fortunate to have such a wonderful and loving extended family. I am really lucky. They were just great.
After three days I was getting homesick for my own bed and really wanted to be back home in a familiar setting with Bark and Silli to sit on my chest and purr me back to health. Feeling depressed and not my usual cheerful self at all. Without a car I had no way (or desire) to drive home. Heck, I'm pretty sure that I won't be driving for some time with both my knee and tibia fractured. Natalie was obviously worried about me and kindly offered to drive to Portland to fetch me and take me home but I really didn't want to drive on the freeway. The speeds and road sounds would be just too overwhelming. I was afraid that I would have a panic attack in the car - I felt emotionally unstable. I elected to take the train home. It was a good choice. I was able to relax a little but I could only watch the sight pass by outside as I couldn't muster the concentration to read. My friend Christel was very kind to meet me at the train station. She took me out to lunch and then home. It felt so good to get myself situated at home. It was all so peaceful and familiar and comforting to be in my own place again. I felt like I hadn't been there in weeks though it had only been a few days.
So the verdict on my injuries:
- partially torn or damaged left biceps tendon
- partially torn right ankle interior tendon
- partially damaged right patellar tendon
- 95% fracture of right patella
- fractured right tibia
- severe whiplash across my entire upper back and neck
- severe concussion
I'll know more about the prognosis for recovery as I get test results from my doctor appointments. I was told to expect a 6 month recovery. When I heard that news I felt really disheartened. All of my Spring and Summer training plans and races are now tossed out the window. Basically, that means that my year is nearly shot with being active outdoors. That's just too long! I'm scheduled to start seeing a Naturopath, a Chiropractor and a Masseuse next week so hopefully they can help me recover and rehabilitate faster so that I can literally get back on my feet and outside as soon as possible. Despite the nasty list of injuries I am just thankful to be alive. Honestly, I probably could've been killed with just a small increase in speed or a different angle of impact. It's not easy to contemplate your own mortality. A very scary thought that depresses me.
Life seems to be dishing me a lot adversity right now. This really, really sucks. More than anything, I just want to feel like myself again and I can't. No matter what I do I need to let time and good doctors help me heal my wounds. I'm exhausted...time for bed.
